Reclaiming your Life: Surviving Emotional Abuse
Anyone can be a target of emotional abuse; men, women, children, students, athletes, spouses, partners, and workers are some of the categories of people that have faced emotional abuse from another person. You may even have witnessed emotional abuse, which can be a traumatic experience to observe. What about hearing one of your parents berating the other or your parent telling you you’re overweight or stupid? It could be your boss, who criticizes and can’t seem to provide any positive feedback. One common theme of emotional abuse is that the target of it has lost self-esteem, feels powerless at times, and maybe even has begun to believe the things the abuser says. This article was written to give anyone that has been subjected to emotional abuse some easy ways to start reclaiming your life and building your self-esteem back up again. You may not be able to control your abuser, but you can control how you take care of yourself.
Learn Something New: Your Skills, Hobbies, Talents
When is the last time you did something for yourself? No one can take away what you learn. If you’re athletic, try learning a new skill such as yoga, swimming, or running a race. For those into fashion, try a new look, color, or hairstyle. Practice trying out new styles. If you’ve let too much time go by without exercise, start a 15-30 minute walk daily. Put on your earbuds and music, listen to something empowering like podcasts or music you love.
If you like to read or listen to books on tape, try the library for a bunch of free resources, magazines, and digital resources. You can look up just about anything on Pinterest now such as how to braid your hair in a new way, decorating on a dollar, making a new recipe and other ideas. Attend a class or free lecture in the community. There are a million ways these days to learn something new. Filling your brain with information you enjoy and taking part in new activities will build up your self-esteem over time.
Beef up Your Support Network
Do you have anyone around you that is going through the same thing or that understands how you feel? Being validated by another person that believes you and wants the best for you, will help in learning to find value in what you have to offer. Since everyone isn’t blessed with a supportive built-in family, sometimes you’ll need to find a support system.
If you attend church, look through the resources offered by yours or another in the community. Call a free hotline. For example, try calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 any time of the day to talk to someone who understands. You can google just about any topic these days for a “hotline” to call free. Another good site to check out is http://emotional-abuse.supportgroups.com/, an online forum for those in your situation.
Tell someone what you’re going through and ask him or her to be a person that will watch out for you and your safety. Speak to your doctor, an old friend, or a co-worker. There are many different types of support groups which are free and open to the public in the community, at local hospitals, and even through Meetup, an online resource for meeting with people that have the same interests that you do. You won’t feel so alone and will start building up your defense shield against emotional abuse you can’t control right now.
Understand Your Financial Situation
Do you have an understanding of your debt, your assets, and where you stand financially? You are likely in a situation that you stay in partly due to money. By facing the reality of your financial situation, you can start to plan a way to climb out of it, turn it around, or to earn more income. If you can’t seek employment now, you can start building up skills for the time when you can. For example, are you behind a bit on the latest computer programs used in offices such as Word, PowerPoint, and other programs? Call your local library or community college to check on computer classes for beginners. Most jobs these days require some type of computer literacy. Or try asking a friend to teach you some of these skills in exchange for some kind of service you can provide such as cooking, babysitting, mowing the lawn, or doing someone’s hair for a special event. Get on a budget, try to stick to it, and educate yourself. Search under “free resources for understanding finances” on the Internet for a free crash course on money.
Consider Legal Help
It’s true that the idea of involving a lawyer can be intimidating and expensive at times. However, you can start to learn about local laws on abuse, divorce, child custody, etc. by reading online and using resources at the library. Start looking up topics at your local legal aid office to answer any legal questions you have. Look up your local community mental health center or your local law enforcement page to find out more about violence in the home and for resources for those being abused. If you need to see an attorney, call around since some will offer a free consultation. If you have issues at work with a boss and can’t use internal resources, read http://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/harassment.cfm or contact an employment attorney. Lastly, ask your support team that you’re building for resources that apply to your specific situation.
Consider Leaving the Abuse
What would life look like if you were to walk away? Telling you to walk away sounds easy on the surface, right? But we both know that there’s a reason you’ve put up with the abuse this long. You need your job, you have kids in the marriage, you’re on a full ride scholarship at school, etc. If you don’t have someone close to you that can listen to your story and provide objective feedback, then consider working with a counselor to talk through your options, line up the pros and cons of leaving, and make a decision either way.
For example, you are married to a spouse that has been emotionally abusive for years. You feel trapped financially, you wonder how you could ever afford a lawyer to help you maintain custody of your children, and you are just scared about what will happen when you stir up the abuser. Realistically, you will face challenges ahead if you decide to leave. However, have you considered the negative side of staying? In our example, you have children that likely see the emotional abuse and will be affected themselves by it for the rest of their lives. There isn’t much that kids aren’t aware of in their own home. Assuming there are no safety issues or immediate risks, you have time to start planning your future. What do you need to do to become financially independent? Where can you live cheaply until you get your feet back under you? Start researching your options and empower yourself with information. Don’t be afraid to ask for help! It takes courage to take a stand, no matter if you are a spouse of an abuser or the employee of an abusive boss. If it’s time to leave an abusive boss, then consider career counseling resources in the community, a local college, or self-help book at the library reference section on new careers. Ask the librarian to point you in the right direction.
Take Time to Think: Meditate, Journal, Pray
In today’s busy world, we rarely have time to just let our minds think without chatter from other people, phones, and electronics. Many people find it helpful to write out thoughts and feelings in a journal. It can also be a way to plan for the future. You don’t have to take a special class to learn to meditate. Pull up YouTube and search for “guided meditations.” You can find short or long versions that will help you to forget about distractions while you clear your mind. This will allow you to weed out the garbage while bringing in goodness. If you pray, try working your way through different parts of the bible or your faith’s literature. Ponder on different points and find support. If you are going to journal, I recommend keeping this in a place where it won’t be seen by your abuser. Try a locked drawer at work, in your car, or another safe place.
Read Stories of Personal Courage
Learning about others who have overcome challenges like yours or even different but difficult ones, can be like medicine for the soul. You can google movies about personal courage, bravery, and determination to watch something inspiring. From Hidden Figures to Sleeping with the Enemy to Million Dollar Baby, there are many movies with great storylines about overcoming hardship. Head over to Pinterest to look up inspiring quotes, courage, or just about any topic important to you for inspiration. Volunteering your time with others who can use your skills, your heart, and caring is another great way to see people who are living with everyday obstacles while they continue to keep going, overcome, and thrive.
The tips above can be helpful when feeling that you’ve lost control of your own life and you’ve begun to believe you are the way your abuser treats you. You can make giant leaps to change your situations, but you can also start taking simple and small steps to slowly build back your confidence and positive vision of yourself! Reclaim the life you want!
